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Monday, August 11, 2008

So Long Sweet Summer...

It is almost 1:00 in the morning on the day of my last day of summer vacation and I can't sleep.

I feel as though my mind is on a treadmill and it can't get off. It is running a marathon, causing a sleepless night for me.

Cailyn is on my mind constantly. On Tuesday, my summer comes to an end, and so do my stay at home mommy days. Cailyn has been with her babysitter since she was 9 weeks old. I completely trust her sitter and know that she loves Cailyn like one of her own. I still cannot come to terms with the fact that life circumstances make me leave her there for 8 plus hours a day, in the care of someone who is not her mommy.

The summer has brought out many changes in Cailyn. She has continued to be the light of my life, only she shines brighter with every new thing she learns. You don't realize until you're a parent that everything your baby does amazing. Cailyn has learned to jump this summer, she has learned new words every week, she is the worlds best imitator, and has even gone potty on the big girl potty. She has a sense of humor that will capitivate you and is the sweetest thing with her hugs and kisses.

Taking Cailyn to the sitter isn't a bad thing. I try to stay positive and make myself realize that interaction with other kids is a good thing. She will learn to be a good friend, learn to share, and learn to be more independent from us. It is hard to think only positively though. I want to be with Cailyn every minute of every day. I don't want to miss one smile or one tear. Rather than hearing about her falls, I want to be there to kiss away the tears. Instead of learning about her newest discoveries after they have been discovered, I want to be there to congratulate her.

I know that I will not be the one to drop Cailyn off on Tuesday morning. Eric will take the duty of leaving her, and I will take the duty of being the hero and picking her up at the end of the day. It is hard enough saying goodbye to her for a short period of time. She has become so attached to us over the summer and I know she will cry when she is left. I don't want her to feel abandoned or neglected.

Once the routine is started, I know that Cailyn will love going to daycare. She will turn, smile, and wave as her sweet voice says "bye bye" to me when I drop her off in the morning. As I leave her there throughout the school year, it will break my heart and warm my heart at the same time. It is comforting to know that Cailyn loves her babysitter and friends yet heartbreaking to know that she has gained her independence from me.

A lot of people can't understand why I am so attached to Cailyn or why I have a hard time leaving her. There are a couple of reasons. One reason is the fact that I'm the mommy and of course I think that my way is the best way and no one else can do it as good as me. Even daddy can't! The main reason is the most obvious to me. For 9 months I carried this little girl around with me every where that I went. I protected her as she grew and developed. Everything I did, ate, drank, and thought revolved around her, growing in my belly. I was very attached to this being inside of me, and although overjoyed as I was to have her in my arms, I still want to protect her in every way possible.

I have realized that Cailyn is no longer my baby. She is a curious little girl who wants to explore and learn. I have guided her all summer long and now it is time to give her less guidance. I know she will do great at daycare. She may cry the first few days we leave her, but I know that the tears she sheds will short lived compared to the tears that I may shed.

Here are a few of my favorite pictures from this summer.

Our first attempts at potty training: cailyn telling us that she is "stinky"

Cailyn giving me her "What did I do?" look.

First sherbert push up.

Playing in her new hamper that matches her room.

Showing off her smile on her new slide.

1 comment:

Allie said...

I know how hard this must be for you. Just keep in mind that those summer months are a blessing. Very few people get that time that you do. So hold on to the memories and look forward to all your many school breaks as well as your upcoming maternity leave. I am always here for you! :)