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Saturday, January 10, 2009

Guts and Glory

As I left work the other day after dealing with spitefullness and anger, my mind was crippled with guilt, fatigue, fury, and grief. Unlike many other professions, teaching is not the type of job where you leave for a weekend and don't think about it again until Monday morning. Instead the events of the day hung over me like the low lying clouds that continuously crept closer. Knowing that Eric was picking up the kids, I went to the bank, post office, and Walgreens with no intention of trying to beat the ice and snow that was pending. Rather, I took my time and let my thoughts race.

After my errands, I took my usual path home feeling as though I could drive into the night and never look back. My car was my confession as I pulled into the garage of my house. I sat in my car for a few minutes before going inside. I wanted more than anything to pull myself out of this "spunk" and shrug off the bothersome events of the past few months. The question was, how was I going to do that? I finally decided that when I opened my car door, I was going to be opening a door to a new year--a year full of changes that I want to make within myself. Not just for myself, but for my family and my career. Since then, I have created a list of items in my head that I will work on in the year 2009. I will not call these resolutions; as resolutions tend to be broken by March. Why not use a teacher term and call these my "objectives" for the year 2009. Although they won't be "measurable" they are still things that I want to work on achieving this year.

1. Rekindle Old Friendships. I am the type of person who makes friends easily but has a hard time keeping friends. I will talk to anyone, anywhere and become their friend. However, when friends move away or them or I get caught up in our lives, I have a tendency to put off calling them, sending them a note, or getting together with them. This year I hope to reconnect with some dear friends from my past and hope to let them know that I still care and think about them.

2. Connect with people who have made a difference in my life. This may sound like the first objective listed but I have different intentions in each. There is a handful of people out there who have truly molded who I am today. These people are mostly in my past and I feel that they deserve to know that they made a difference in someone's life. This number is small because I don't open up to many people. These few people have seen something in me that others haven't taken the time to see. I have recently reconnected with one of these people, and if you are reading this, you know who you are. I feel blessed that God has crossed my path with the path of these individuals and want them each to know how I appreciate them.

3. Pray More. I grew up in a Catholic school, praying each morning, noon, and afternoon. I attended church twice a week and religon class daily as part of my schooling. I carried my faith with me through high school and college. I attended bible study in college, hardly missed a Sunday service, and frequented BASIC (Brothers and Sisters In Christ) on Thursday nights. When I think back to that time in my life, I remember feeling more at ease with life. I trusted in God and what He had planned for me. I hope to bring my faith back into my life and share it with my children. I want to find a church to attend that I look forward to going to and hope to meet others through Christ.

4. Give myself a break. There is no doubt in my mind that I am my own worst enemy. When not perfect, I push myself harder. If I upset someone, I strive to make it better. When criticized, my heart shatters. When I am unable to push myself harder, make things better, or put back together the pieces of my heart, I second guess everything that I feel, do, and think. As 2009 rolls on, I want to be able to have more of an open mind about things and realize that no one is perfect and that life is an ongoing lesson. I will pat myself on the back for my attempts and successes rather than drag myself through the mud for failures and pointing fingers.

5. Get back into my skinny jeans. Everyone has this goal, I know. I also know that when you workout, you have more energy and feel better about yourself. I need to get back into my workout routine that I had going before I got pregnant with Bryce. I know that if I find the time in my day to do it, I will be more productive and have more confidence in myself. Spinning off the previous goal, if I don't make it all the way back to my "skinny jeans" I won't kick myself and call myself fat. Instead I will pat myself on my back for giving myself a longer life and teaching my children the importance of a healthy lifestyle.

I realize some of these will be easier to work on than others. I have determination to succeed to the best of my ability in each of these areas. I know that any attempt made will make my life seem fuller and hopefully make a difference in the lives of others as well. As we continue to move forth into the year 2009, with all the uncertainities of the economy, I hope this blog finds you all motivated to be the change you want to see.

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