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Thursday, July 3, 2014

That Kind of Tired

It is 1:55 in the morning and here I sit, plugging away at my phone wondering if I will ever sleep again.

The baby woke at 12:55. I had only been asleep for 55 minutes. After driving all day and spending late nights on homework this week I was too tired to properly function when she woke. I heard the moan, the rustle of the blankets, and then a whimper. I didn't move. I became frozen between the sheets and prayed a silent prayer to God begging Him to just swoop down from the heavens and calm her back to sleep for me. Yeah, I am that kind of tired.

All you mothers know what I am talking about. The kind of tired that magically allows you to get out of bed, make a bottle, feed the baby, and rock the baby all without opening your eyes. The kind of tired that actually makes you believe if you remain in a frozen state in your bed for long enough the baby will not know you are there and will just go back to sleep. The kind of tired that makes you question why you ever had a baby (or three) in the first place. 

I wasn't sure if I would be able to pick myself up out of bed tonight but I did. I stumbled  5 steps to the pack and play in the corner of my parents basement bedroom and clumsily reached down to rub her back. She calmed for a moment but I must have fallen asleep standing there because the next thing I knew my arm was tangled in a gob of blankets and she was wailing. Yep, I am that kind of tired.

Finally I picked up my distressed babe and put her in bed with me. After numerous kicks to my face I knew sleep had to surrender. I prepared a bottle and here we sit. Back and forth we rock, the only sound is the soft squeak of the recliner. She drifts and so do I until I move wrong or stop the soft squeak sound. Then she stirs and again I find myself frozen praying to God to keep her asleep. I reposition her and she drifts again. I sit here in the dark and create a vacation in my mind of a place I can go that is dark, quiet, and has a king sized bed. The softest most comfortable bed ever made.  And it's all for me. I would stand at the bottom of the bed with my arms outstretched and fall back into the cushion of comfort. My body would sink deep into the mattress and I would sleep a full body sleep for 10 or more uninterrupted hours. 

Why would I create this as a dream vacation?  Because I am that kind of tired. The kind of tired that daydreams about sleep. 

I have slowed the rocks and the baby has not moved for more than a paragraph. I am off to lay her down and hopefully make my dream vacation come somewhat true. 4 hours if sleep sounds like a slice of heaven. Wish me luck! 

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