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Monday, August 11, 2014

Fear, Future, and Faith

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; and laughs without fear of the future." -Proverbs 31:25

The meaning behind this verse is much deeper than I can grasp with my own understanding yet it stands out to me significantly.  Why? 

I fear the future.

3 years ago I was cleaning out my classroom in Newton and found a note on my desk that said, "Don't fear the future, for God is already there."  A co-worker left it for me and to this day it hangs in my classroom by my desk.  This co-worker probably has no idea the impact this small note had on me.  I read it daily.  It reminds me of a very dark point in my life where rejection and displacement struck me down.  My future was dark.  I clung to the words "God is already there" and He blessed me with some amazing opportunities.  Indeed, He was there waiting for me!

3 years later I am struggling again.  Change has always been hard for me.  I find comfort and satisfaction in what I know and stepping outside of that box is scary.  I want familiarity.  However, some changes are out of my control.  Instead of laughing without fear of my future, I spent the summer pushing my fear away.  I refused to think about the month of August and then BAM here it is, smacking me right in the face.

Not only do I have to adjust to going back to work and putting Lauryn in daycare but I have to adjust to going back full time.  Going from 7:15-??? without seeing my baby.  My heart is heavy already with feelings of guilt and regret.  To top it off I am going back to unfamiliarity.  Someone new will now sit where my heart wanted to be sitting and my feelings of unwarranted resentment are still strong.  If that isn't enough I will be embarking on the journey of teaching preschool again, only this time with new regulations and expectations. 

I'm clenching my teeth just typing all of that out.  How can I make these changes and still be the wife, mother, and teacher I want to be?  Where is my strength?  Where is my ability to laugh at my fear of the future?

The woman in this verse was confident-she knows who she is and WHOSE she is.  She fears the Lord which makes her come to truly know the Lord and submit herself to Him.  She is so secure in this that she can laugh at the ups and downs of the future because she knows she is rooted in God and God will guide her.

Wow.

How many women can confidently raise their hands and say they are like the Proverbs 31 woman?  Not me.  I have cried at my fear of the future but definitely have not laughed.  Do I know that God is there?  Yes.  The past 3 years have been proof.  It is time for me to let go of my fears and trust once again that God is already there.  There is a reason for these changes taking place and the only way to truly see the reasoning behind everything is to confidently jump into the future with faith.  Jeremiah 29:11 says, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to PROSPER you and NOT HARM you, plans to give you HOPE and a FUTURE."  I am working on wrapping my heart around this so it gets out of my co-workers seat and into the seat God has chosen for me.  

Please pray with me that my tears turn to laughter and my fears turn to faith.  And for those of you who are also struggling...Don't fear the future, for God is already there.


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