Follow @EllenGrabe Grabe's Gatherings: The Feelings

Monday, October 13, 2014

The Feelings

I woke up this morning feeling shaken. The alarm buzzed in the background of my dream as I came out of a deep trance. Slowly my body awoke in my bed yet my mind was frozen in my dream. 

The dream was vivid and movie like. I remember the layout of the house I was in and the arrangement of the bedroom furniture where I talked on the phone. I was laying on my stomach on the bed with my feet dangling up in the air. The words spoken into the phone are still fresh in my mind. Each and every word. The words spoken to me cut deep into my flesh; my heart aching for love and approval. As the call ended the feeling of rejection overflowed my body. The tears felt warm as they spilled over my cheeks. I was left feeling inadequate, second best, and used. 

I woke up with these feelings hanging heavy over me. They followed me to the bathroom and living room where I hugged my husband, thankful to see him and feel accepted. However the feelings stalked me throughout my day. All morning my thoughts would jump back to that dream. Inadequate. Second best. Used. 

The combination of these three feelings have not been felt in my body for many years. They may come and go one at a time often mixed with other feelings. This was different. It took me back to a place in time before Eric and kids. Yet in my dream they attacked me in present time. 

I spent the afternoon wondering what parts in my life do I feel inadequate, second best and used?  Scrambling through my mind I found no place where I felt all three of these. Inadequacy is a common feeling for me as I always think I can and should be better, do better, try harder. Why is my dream making me feel used? Second best?  My mind is boggled. 

Even tonight my chest tightens as I remember the dream.  Panic enters my body as my mind races with thoughts of "why is this happening?" "Why did I trust?" "How will I get over this?"  The thoughts chase each other in circles until I say, "stop!  It was just a dream!"  Then I am fine until it starts over again. As my mind remembers the dream my body feels heavy and fatigued. The mind body connection is amazing. 

I still do not understand the context of the dream or why it affected me so much but as I lay here ready to sleep I remind myself "just a dream...just a dream..."  In time I know something will lead me to understanding the rise of these feelings from the depth if my heart. 

No comments: